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Name: Conkers.

History: Introduced to the UK 409 years ago.

Look: Nature's collectible doll.

No, I don’t think that’s right. Absolutely. Go and watch a TikTok video of someone unboxing a conker, and you’ll probably hear them refer to it as “the earth's Labubu”.

Opening up horse chestnuts? What on Earth are you talking about? Oh wow, you are definitely not up to date, aren’t you? Young people are taking to TikTok to film themselves removing conkers from their spiky capsules.

What's the reason? Due to the feeling of amazement! When you open up a conker, you can't predict what you’re going to get. Will it be big? Might it be flattened? How shiny will it be? It is like a mystery box every time!

Are Labubus big and flat and shiny? No, they’re somewhat eerie dolls that have become collectible because they also come in mystery boxes.

Would someone inform the younger crowd that they are not using conkers correctly? Is that so? How do you do conkers, then?

You put a shoelace through the middle of them, and try to destroy everyone else’s conkers. Is that true? That’s bizarre.

Yes. You’ll have a much better chance of winning if you leave it in vinegar and then bake it like a pie. You're not joking?

Seriously. And should you gather an excess, you can hurl them across the playground and all the other kids will fight each other for them. A lovely item from nature like a conker, and you use it as a weapon? A weapon that comes with a long set of arcane and bewildering rules?

It’s traditional! The King recently awarded the World Conker Championships with a gift of 300 conkers! At least gen Z is only filming them.

How are you unaware of this? Probably, because certain schools prohibited the game two decades ago, due to various health and safety fears.

The modern world never fails to amaze me. Maybe revealing horse chestnuts just doesn't appeal to you. In which case, perhaps you would be more interested in some other hot new gen Z trends.

Oh really? Like what? Well, there’s this thing called yarn work, and something else called clay crafting that I can describe for you.

We’ve had knitting and pottery for centuries! Let me guess, you heat tools in apple drink and then use them to jab one another?

Certainly not! OK, calm down. I assumed that all old-people traditions involved violence in some form, after that horse chestnut game.

I feel stressed. Relax for a moment. If you need me, I’ll be opening plant seeds online.

Do say: “TikTok can’t stop filming conker reveals.”

Don’t say: “This is nuts.”